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Chemo.

by Tylar Bonell

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about

This is a song for any cancer patient or survivor who has felt overwhelmed by the pressure to be happy and positive through treatment and beyond. Its for anyone who has felt unheard or invalidated with their feelings of sadness and anger. We've been through so much, its 100% normal to feel all sorts of negative feelings considering our bodies were self destructing. Honor those feelings, don't stay stuck in them, but honor them and acknowledge them. I see you, I hear you, I love you and I am so sorry you're going through this.

lyrics

Whose body is this
Cause I don't think that it's my own
Whose voice is this
It doesn't sound like the one I know
Everything is so different I want my old life back
I wanna be sad but everyone around says I gotta keep my head up
What if I don't want to
How I feel isn't up to you
And I feel

I feel angry
I don't have control over anything
It all happened so fucking fast I didn't have a choice
So whatever happens happens
I'm a shell of my old self
An alien screaming out for help

Listen I'm gonna be honest with you
About what chemo's really like
It's not like what you see in the movies
It will keep you up at night
It eats away at your memory
You think you're going insane
Everyday when you wake up you think
Is today even gonna be a good day
Because I can't even walk by myself
There's my port it sticks out
Lost my hair I don't care
My body's trying to kill me
And the shot you know the shot and the bone pain it caused
And no I can't walk it off

And you know what
I just want to scream so loud just to distract me
From the pain in my stomach
Getting eaten by my Vinblastine
Oh god can you even hear me
And I don't see the light in the end of this
Cause I know there will never be one
I'm always gonna be afraid of it coming back
Even worse than the time before

I wanna be mad
But I don't know where to start
It's hard to put into words
How your life has fallen apart
Just cause I have "the good kind"
It doesn't mean I'm not scared out of my mind
I miss feeling normal
Going to work
And seeing all my friends
Instead nurses in hazmat suits
Are giving me that poison juice

Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I prayed these feelings go away go away go away go away go away

credits

released October 14, 2022

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Tylar Bonell Salt Lake City, Utah

Tylar Bonell is a singer/songwriter who doesn't hold back any detail when she writes her songs. She writes from her heart and isn't afraid to speak her mind in her music. She is a big advocate for cancer patients and survivors as she was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma is October 2021. ... more

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